Hello Divergents,

Today I pulled on some jeans that I hadn't worn in 9 months. Can you tell where this is going? I noticed immediately as they approached my thighs that things had changed since the last time I put them on. I felt a groundswell of emotions arising.

Was I going to be able to pull them all the way up?

Were they going to fit my butt?

Was the waist button going to reach the other side?

—-

This was all initiated by a tactile experience.

The searing heat of shame emerged.

I had gained weight.

(Never mind that I had been underweight last fall.)

—-

I've noticed as I've paid attention the past 6 or so month, how fast shame comes online for me, and how it has nothing to do with reality.

I've been conditioned to believe on a cellular level that I should look a certain way.

I felt something touch my body and felt deep and immediate concern that I might not look the right way.

“Perhaps I'm fat now?”

Clothing has a way of keeping us honest.

But my emotions and ensuing thoughts were patterned. They did not speak truth about my body.

—-

It didn't take long for me to realize the pants did in fact fit, albeit differently. They were much more snug than the previous fall.

But then I saw myself in the mirror and thoughts and emotions changed.

"Damn, I look good! Leg day is making a difference!"

Suddenly, I was feeling myself.

Suddenly, I was taking a picture of myself in the mirror and then a second shot - this time a profile.

Suddenly my thumb was in the waistline of these faded, torn jeans, and I was feeling the energy of me at age 7 when I lived in rural Kansas and wanted to be a cowgirl.

—-

Next my mind jumped to me in January of 2022 when I decided I want to get as strong as I could without worry of how my body would change, without worry if I'd still be sufficiently feminine.

As life often goes, I haven't been able to pursue that goal with gusto, yet it has trickled into my self-care routine and shifted how I approach weighlifting.

My focus on improving strength was bolstered this spring by my friend, Deb, sending pics of her progress working diligently for the first time on upper body strength.

I know that weight training will make me more capable in the world, and more resilient against injury. My bones, muscles and tendons will be stronger and my muscles will better protect my joints. Yes! I'll be healthier.

—-

Fuck beauty standards that get in the way of me taking care of myself!

—-

So yeah my jeans are tightish, and yeah I had to work through some things surrounding it..

But I think I look darn good in this aging denim and will wear them until they fail. Perhaps it will be my bulging thighs or buttocks that will do them in, and I will laugh at the circumstances it leaves me in and rejoice with gratitude for my big muscles presence in my life.

Aging well is no joke and that's mostly because of cultural oppression. I shed a bit more of that today.

Rooting for you!

-esb