Hello Divergents,

I recently crossed the threshold for six months of vanlife. Whew! What a milestone! Each month has been an evolution.

For many intervening months, I wasn't sure living in a van was a good idea.

I missed friends.

I wanted to go to bed without fear of disrupted sleep from an outside noise or a knock on the van.

I wanted to have my morning bowel movement (punctual as ever) first thing without having to change out of my pajamas and be around people.

I wanted climate control.

I wanted windows and plants.

But I also knew that wherever I was: I'd be sad - whether living alone in 60 sq feet on wheels or living in a penthouse apartment abroad or in a beautiful cottage in the woods.

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During these 6 months, I haven't put much effort into the van, after living and breathing it for the precding 2.5 months - planning, prepping, and building it out.

In fact, thoughts of working again on Thelma felt triggering and intrusive for at least four months of vanlife. I feared it would bring me back to an overwhelming time of struggle.

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Privacy and secrecy marked these initial months.

I didn't feel proud of the van, even though intellectually I was proud of the remarkable feat I accomplished.

Recovering from the exhaustion of the build while navigating many other major life transitions took time.

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I also wanted and needed to feel safe. I needed to have a safe retreat of a home, so I felt I had to hide my life in the van.

I didn't want to be a circus act for anyone - supplying their entertainment and subscribing to to the fulfillment of their curiosities.

I was just living my life, and I didn't want to have use precious time and energy to explain my divergent lifestyle.

I also wanted and needed to be physically secure without people knowing where I was all the time in my massive white van. So I had to be extremely mindful of my movements and patterns, and this took mental energy.

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I wasn't sure if I'd ever feel better in the van, if it'd ever feel like home.

For some time, I couldn't imagine that putting more money, energy, and passion into it would make it feel more like home, even though a phase 2 build-out was always in the plans.

You know how things are when you always think things will be as they are? These thoughts and feelings felt so strong, and vanlife was a such a novel position that they we hard to rebut.

I never thought my experience would change. My imagination felt inaccesible.

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But grief is something they say to move through. Oh yeah, if it's not clear, I was grieving big time - all sorts of life things - many recent events and also some ungrieved circumstances from the past.

But I just went about things day-by-day, and let what wanted to emerge emerge.

It's been a season of learning to accept what it is, and to let go of what no longer can be.

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Vanlife allows frequent, easy weekend trips, and I took full advantage.

Eventually I gained some ground. Little by little, I found some traction. Glimpses of beautiful possibility arrived, ushered in, by and large, by time in nature.

But proximity to nature and immersion in nature are wholly different experiences.

For months, I only had snippets of immersion.

But damn does nature heal!

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Six months in the van is different.

Next month I'll go and do another month-long round of work on the van. Sink, fridge, more charging options, etc. I finally believe it's worth seeing this through and...I'M EXCITED!

Yes, six months has me excited and finds me podcasting, writing poetry, doing open mics a time or two or three a week all while visualizing a promising future.

Clearing out emotional and mental cobwebs and doing parts work - amongst so much else are paying dividends in my well-being and how I interact with my life and the world.

I can again see myself sharing about my van journey - videos and what not, but I also know I'm not there yet, so hang tight for those.

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I'm feeling rested. 7.5 hours of sleep is enough most days. Each day I get a good, really satisfying tired.

I have clarity of who to talk to and connect with and how much.

I have plans for letter writing.

Finally, I am on the threshold of five days to myself immersed in nature, which I've needed since the fall (or probaby much longer). I'll experience nature with no agenda, no need to travel, or be productive - a special time.

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In this period, growth is deepening as is my ability to show up in the world as myself even when it seemingly doesn't align with others. Vanlife brought me this lesson in spades!

Something very good I'm learning: I WILL FOLLOW MY HEART, NOT MY ANXIETIES. (My anxieties can trail behind). My heart wants me to experience joy. My anxieties are afraid of unknown joy.

Our true state is peaceful, joyful, and intuitive.

I WILL FOLLoW MY HEART, NOT MY ANXIETIES. I WILL CREATE & FOLLOW MY OWN LIFE CURRICULUM.

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I am excited to build back into the van and have it for excurisons and adventures for years to come.

Here are somethings 6 MONTHS into vanlife that I'm loving (about vanlife)...

I love having everything have its place.

I love not wasting food.

I love having a small footprint.

I love living for adventure.

I love all the various "front porch" views I've had while making tea, dinner, writing, or sitting in the sun.

I love having everything in arms reach.

I love the simple routines.

I love being able to find things throughout the van in the dark.

I love the financial future I'm building for myself.

I love the ease with which I can depart for a weekend or trip.

I love the great night's sleeps.

I love being able to lay down and rest on lunch breaks.

I love that Thelma is turning into a bookmobile!

I love that I followed through on this dream of vanlife that I've held for years - even launching in the midst of challenging circumstances.

I love that I'm doing my own version of vanlife.

I love the eyes and growing compassion it gives me for the unhoused in our communities.

I love that it's helping me learn even more who I am, what I want, and what I have to offer in life.

I love that it is broadening my creativity, problem-solving, and resourcefulness.

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You know it, whenever you hear the story of someone's experience, that you don't get the whole experience. Even though, I've allowed this post to be long and to encompass many realms of the experience, you'll never understand it fully, just as we never fully understand anyone else's experience.

But perhaps there's something that reaches out to you from my sharing and connects us on our life experience.

I'm rooting for you.

-esb

(I’m also looking forward to sharing more of the art I've been creating. I've begun recording some of my songs for a new project exploring: "What is Love?").