Unteachable

Hello Divergents!

I can't say how the words reached me at that time. How old was I? 13? 10? 16?

I do know I don't remember much from my childhood, but I do remember those words.

The man that said them was exasperated, but this was not unusual for him. His worldview and internal experience made life hard for him. Perhaps life was first hard to him and I was witnessing this adaptation? I wasn't there, so I'll never know.

But I do know he related to the world in a way that made things harder for him.

Was it a construction project we were working on? I don't recall.

I remember the gist that itwasn't going smoothly and wasn't enjoyable. Things almost never went smoothly with him. And enjoyment wasn't a priority of his. In fact, it seemed largely elusive to how he went through life.

I'm guessing that when he said those words I knew it wasn't about me. I wasn't trying to be difficult. I never was. I just didn't know what he wanted and what needed to happen.

He needed to teach me, but communication was very difficult for him and was made harder by his antagonistic worldview.

His internal world couldn't regulate the truth that he was the one struggling to communicate. He was the one struggling to teach. He was the one making the task difficult.

There was, of course, a big power dynamic at work, with age being one of the factors, when one is two or three times as old the other.

As the adult, as the teacher, he held the power. "You are unteachable," he loudly exclaimed face tight and pulled in and dark brown eyes piercing.

This person rubbed regularly against my life, shaping me. I tried to built up protection, but I still remember the phrase "unteachable." I've accomplished much in my life, but I profoundly struggle to believe I can do hard things I want to do.

In some regards, I have a very strong compass - namely moral. But my compass of internal trust is cloudy, if not lost at many times.

I struggle to navigate in this world where thriving requires learning and using your agency to participate in making a loving, dynamic, generative, beautiful world.

So today I sit with "unteachable" and reflect on how my most recent romantic relationship began helping me feel so capable and in contrast to developmental experiences in my formative years.

But I am not done forming. I still have much to learn much about my capability and limitation. My ability to make and my need to rest.

New seasons are always emerging. Today as I sought to walk off the pain in the right lower portion of my back after some awkward painting done while prepping for a pending move, I found R hip pain and tightness that cried "incapable."

So I lovingly tended to that wound, inviting growth, movement, and healing.

Words run deep and so I spent some time laying my hands on trees as I walked and I felt movement in my cells. The hip pain did not yet go away, but then again, neither has my longstanding doubt about my capabilities.

We are loveable. We are capable. We are enough.

Thanks for being with me today.

1. Who have you been that you're not?

2. What words linger in you even though you had walls and armor to protect yourself?

3. How do emotions show up in your body?

4. Do you use nature to help you be fully alive?

Rooting for you on your healing journey

-esb

I was remiss in my prior post to not share photos of Wilmer, so I’ll take this space to offer some images in memorium.

Love you, Wilmer.