Van Life: Week One

Hi Divergents,

I live in a van. 

I'm not quite certain how I feel about it. My recent move into the van has not occurred in isolation and is concurrent with many other drastic changes in my life.

But here, now, I want to explore the van business. 

This morning is my first time sitting at my writing desk - positioned facing the sliding door in the van. I don't have much time before I head off to the work that pays my bills, but damn it feels good to sit here and write. I feel more myself. I can sense the future unfolding with possibility, as though I've accessed a magical portal.

I've lived in the van for one week, with today marking the beginning of the second week. Like any move, things are a bit disheveled and boxes and piles are prominent. Items have not yet found their home. Decorations are sparse. Routines are non-existent, but behaviors are being trialed. Missing resources are being identified.

I have to remind myself that this is a normal part of moving, even for "normal" people under "normal" circumstances. People go weeks and months with only the essentials out, things still in boxes, and blank walls.

In the van, I forget this. I expect the process to be fast, i.e. for it to be done already. It seems much of this belief is actually imagining what others think and projecting it on myself. In the van, I feel a pressure for it to appear desirable to others, for it to be appealing. I realize it's unrealistic and unnecessary, but I have to do work to gain this perspective. My default is my conscientiousness ingrained over the decades of life.

Perhaps you can relate to a strong implied pressure to appease others' unexpressed (and thus assumed and projected) expectations.

I'm working on my relationship to expectations, but more on that another time.

For a place that is for me and about me - my present and my future - I really consider other people a great deal.

People have opinions about this "alternative lifestyle." One week in to van life and the friend that I'm planning to visit weekly for a day over the next few months has literally had a neighbor say: "Isn't this a bit much?" and exert their disapproval (as if we as asking for approval).

The implied became externalized and then internalized. 

Judgement. Ugh. I've written a whole book exploring judgements and the consequences of judgements (hint - many are negative. You can find my book:"Holy Shit..." at www.theellebottrell.com.)

I like to be seen as someone who makes good decisions, someone who is competent, and responsible.

I worry about Chris Farley's motivational coach character who emphatically warned of living in a "van down by the river." (And yet, I write this in the early morning light after walking the local path along the river bank, 200 meters from my desk in my van). 

I know people judge this life style. I also know many, many who are envious of my transition, inspired by it, as well as all the efforts in designing, outfitting and building the van.

This is a season of deepening into what is, into me.

I've built this van for one - for me.

It's exciting to be me, and it's very scary and stretching. (I've actually felt terror at times these past 2.5 months since buying the van and embarking on the build and all the necessary steps to assume this lifestyle!)

I'm still working to assume this lifestyle, to make it my own. Sitting here, door ajar, front divider pulled back, typing on my writing device, I feel the swell - the swell of possibility of living increasingly authentic, even when no one around me is doing it.

This weekend I plan to head to the mountains for an overnight, before visiting a friend, before heading back into town for work. A pattern is emerging.

Perhaps I'll feel safe enough to write with the door wide open, not slightly cracked, nestled again a subalpine forest. A gal can dream, right? That is the dream - van life! Be still my writer's and nature-loving heart!

-esb

1. What do you think of van life?

2. Have you ever considered an alternative living style?

3. What keeps you from following your interests, desires, and longings?

4. What do you do when someone disapproves of your choices?

I’d love to hear from you. How are you? In what ways are you diverging? How is life landing for you?