When Wilmer Died...

Hello Divergents!

When Wilmer died, I immediately washed his bedding. Then I was going to wash his collar. I knew I'd hang or display it somewhere and it'd be nice if it was clean. I even almost put his crate away in the garage.

As a boxer, he, of course, shed. His brown fur that made up the majority of his neck was imbedded in the grooves of the collar.

Something gave me pause. If I washed it, I would no longer have his scent. The thought of how I nearly lost that now makes me teary and then sob.

Sniffling with tear-drenched cheeks I am so glad I still have his scent and some of his hair. I know at some point the scent will likely fade to the point that I can't detect it, but for now holding his collar close to my nostrils and breathing in deeply brings him close and grief washes over me.

I know our society says we're not supposed to talk about death directly, so we use euphemisms - passed away, lost, put down. I'm not supposed to say "when Wilmer died," but it feels important to do so, because he did die and I am forever changed. Strong words are helpful.

Wilmer dying is a great loss. We had 11 beautiful years together. He gave and taught me so much.

I told him to let me know when it was time. I told him to not stay too long. I told him I'd be okay.

There were moments of concern over the years - concern that brought grief. That early grief while he was still here didn't lessen the grief I feel now, but it didn't help me know when it was time and it made me more sensitive to his well-being and the finite nature of life.

I got practice in knowing he wouldn't be here forever, that I'd have to say goodbye someday. It helped me be kinder to him and gentler with him. I helped me practice gratitude for all that he gave and taught.

He was the best companion. He was the best gift. In the end, he knew I'd be okay and this is a monumental way he is showing me. He got me through my divorce and settled into a new loves - human and dog.

Wilmer - thank you, thank you, thank you. You are dearly missed. Thank you for all the love you gave the world with that forever wagging stub of a tail, with your cuddly companionship, with your loyal love and protection, with your consistent countenance. Jamie, Charlie, and me are better for your steadiness.

This is incomplete to describe the innumerable ways you touched us. I'll try to write more soon, but it'll always fall short of you. I suppose that's what the miracle of life and love is - ineffable.

May I always see the blessing (and you too).

1. What have animals meant to you in your life?

2. What is your relationship to death?

3. How does your cultures approach to death help or hinder you?

4. How can death help you live more authentically?

Rooting for you in whatever deaths you are navigating.

-esb